Personal Discovery: Change your Relationship with Others Part 1

Unless we become hermits, become stranded alone on a deserted island, or Armageddon happens like in the movies and we’re the only one left surviving, we will most likely associate with other people quite a lot throughout the course of our lives. Previously, we have discussed their impact on our lives. However, a relationship is made up of two people and therefore we impact others in the same way and around and around, a never-ending cycle for the duration of the relationship and even afterwards. A relationship that works or doesn’t work is dependent on both people in the relationship and what they’re both bringing to it.

The first thing to remember is that we are all human with our own unique mix of strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect and to expect otherwise, is to only put unneeded pressure on the other person and to be disappointed in the future.

“We come to love not by finding the perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen

It was the coldest winter ever – many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After a while they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Though there are different types of relationships: family, friends, and love relationships, what makes a relationship good or bad is rather universal. A good relationship builds a person up and supports them through both good and not-so-great times, encouraging them to strive to be a better person but also accepting them for the person they are currently. A bad relationship is simply the opposite of this. Of course, it’s not completely black-and-white. There are times when our relationships are essentially good but may be lacking in some elements or our relationship is essentially bad but does have a small amount of good elements in them. Whatever it is, ideally, we want to move our relationships closer to the good type and further away from the bad type.

Often, we try to make our relationship better by solely trying to change someone else. This may not work so well. Just as we ourselves cannot change unless we desire to change, so in the same sense, other people will not change unless they themselves desire to change. No amount of pleading, arguments, or bargaining will change someone unless you first give them the motivation to do so. We should respect and tolerate the other’s differences, listening and understanding them with an open mind. At the same time, we should also hold firm to the beliefs we believe are correct and ask that others respect us equally. The main things that you can do to change a relationship is to communicate your desires for how you would like the relationship to evolve, model the relationship you desire yourself, try to understand the other person, and to give positive feedback to the other person. It is up to the other person to reciprocate.

The key to any relationship is honest communication and the degree to which you open up your private emotional self. The degree will change depending on your level of acquaintance and emotional intensity with the other person but you should always remain true to the person you are. If you find yourself refraining from being yourself for whatever reason, then maybe it is time to reexamine that relationship and the role it plays in your life.

Communication is very important. If the other person doesn’t know what you want, then they can’t consider working together with you to make a relationship stronger and better. Contrary to popular opinion, people can’t read each other’s minds though we all seem to think so. In fact, people in general are also rather poor guessers. If you want something or are angry at something or like something or don’t prefer something, it’s a very small chance that the other person will know exactly what it is you are trying to convey without you actually telling them. Even if you don’t know what it is you actually want and need time to figure it out, the other person needs to know to give you that time. Different people have different ways of communicating but both people in a relationship need to make an effort to communicate their wants and needs and make a point of understanding the other person’s wants and needs. Many conflicts happen because someone isn’t making themselves clear enough or someone isn’t taking the time to understand what the other person is trying to convey. Misunderstandings or miscommunication or simply a lack of communication can lead to many preventable conflicts.

There can also be negative communication. According to John Gottman, who runs the Love Lab, he can see how a couple interacts and predict with a high degree of accuracy how happy they will be in their marriage and how likely they are to divorce. He says there are four types of communication patterns that are especially detrimental to a relationship, not just romantic relationships but any relationship. Any one of these types of communications can readily ruin a good relationship so we must be careful to recognize when they do come up, either from ourselves or the other person and take measures to stop it.

• Criticism – Attacking the other person’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.

• Contempt – Attacking the other person’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse them, often using insults, hostile humor, or negative body language or tone of voice.

• Defensiveness – Seeing yourself as a victim and warding off a perceived attack by making excuses, cross-complaining, and whining.

• Stonewalling – Withdrawing from a relationship as a way to avoid conflict by changing the subject, removing yourself physically, or being uncommunicative.

Activity:

Use a recording device and sit down with someone with whom you have a relationship. Start a conversation about anything, even just about communicating with one another, and record it. Make sure you have the other’s permission to record the conversation. Later on, play it back and listen closely. Do you sense any negative communication? Are there places where it seems as if you or the other person is making assumptions about certain things? Were there places where the meaning of the conversation became confused and muddled? What parts of the conversation flowed very smoothly?